Bah! Things have been crazy over the last few days, and it kills me that I'm just now getting to post something! The weekend was such a whirlwind and I still feel like I'm recovering. I got a call at 4:45am Saturday morning from one of my sweet doula clients. She ended up being in active labor so I jumped out of bed, grabbed my doula bag (yes, there is a specific bag I use for doula-ing) and raced out the door. I met her and her husband at the hospital and supported her through a quick and absolutely awesome birth. The sweetest baby boy was born at 10:45am to incredible parents, and a room full of wonderful providers. Of course I balled my eyes out and was so thrilled to bear witness to the beautiful event. There is just nothing like the power of birth :) I spent the next couple hours helping mama breastfeed and answering questions, then I headed out to my doula group's monthly meeting. After a birth I am always starving, I have no idea why, I think it must be all the hormones. Anyway, I headed to Wholefoods on my way to the meeting and grabbed a huge sweet potato, balsamic brussel sprouts, chicken salad, and a kombucha. The meeting was lovely and I'm hoping we gained some new clients. So that was pretty much all of Saturday... after the meeting I came home and hopped into bed to recover from the long day. Chad brought me a GF cupcake, which ofcourse I couldn't pass up, and I lounged for the rest of the night. Sunday was busy with my women's circle followed by a trip to Home Depot where I ended up mesmerized by all things I "needed." I came home with a slew of random stuff and got to work on several projects, none of which are done yet.
That brings us to Monday. I decided to weigh myself, mostly for curiosity's sake, and partly because old habits die hard. Honestly, I've been feeling so good over the last couple months. My clothes are fitting well, I feel strong and fit. However, I just had a feeling I had gained a few lbs, and sure enough... DAMN! I looked down at the scale Monday morning and thought I was hallucinating. 151?!!!! The last time I'd weighed in I was at 145. My heart just sank and I felt like crawling into bed and never leaving. So I had my freak out moment, during which I began recounting all the mistakes I'd made that probably led to this extra weight, and then I took a deep breath and stopped the self torture. Ok, here's the deal, yes there is a chance that I've overindulged a bit in the diet department but honestly, the more likely scenario is that I've actually put on some muscle. I mean, in the last month I've nailed rope climbs and kipping pull-ups, and gotten a PR for back squats. I can tell I'm getting stronger, and I can see the definition of my muscles. Additionally, I've kicked my horrible sweet cravings. There have been so many little victories over the last couple months, why let a stupid number completely derail my confidence?! The truth is, when you've had an eating disorder, you always have an eating disorder. I'm not sure you can ever be "cured." Its kind of like you go into remission or "get on the wagon." Its a constant struggle to not revert back to old habits, to not let your mind "go there." So, when I see the number on the scale, its so incredible difficult not to go to that place of self judgment/self loathing. In some ways it was a wake-up call to be more mindful of my diet, but mostly the weigh-in was just a huge blow to my self confidence.
Here's how I've decided to move forward: I'm going to have my coach do my measurements this week, that will give me a better idea of my body composition and whether I actually need to adjust my diet. Thursday morning I'm going to do a fasting lipid panel (this has also been bugging me for the last week). I've dropped my usual breakfast and subbed protein shakes. I really want to see how this makes me feel over the next few days. Next week, I plan to go back to counting carbs and will be aiming for less than 100g/day, with one day a week where I'll double it to 200g. I also plan to drop ALL dairy, though my intake has been minimal, and up my protein intake.
I know its all going to be fine, just have to keep working hard and listening to my body.
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